Still Here

The 14th anniversary of the car accident that took my sister’s life is coming up soon and I’ve never really written anything about it.

Once I started, though, I had to get it out:

It’s getting so hard to tell
Which are the laughs that we’ve shared
The shape of your smile fades
At the times that just aren’t fair

I want to tell you all the little things
There’s so much I wish you didn’t miss
I like to think you’d be proud
To have seen that wedding day kiss

The family has gotten bigger
Though you could never be replaced
We had to pack up your room
I hope you wouldn’t feel erased

I just wish I had known
Our time was coming to an end
I didn’t know I should have told you
That you were really my best friend

I’ll always be haunted by the day
That I lost the title of big brother
All that keeps me warm
Is how well we knew each other

Time refuses to halt its march
The seasons do go on and change
And everything you can’t do and see
It’s all so very wrong and strange

There’s been some dark moments
When I can admit I hated you
I wanted to shake you and scream,
“You can’t leave with so much left to do!”

It’s only when I start to realize
It’s not you I’m angry with after all
The hate and shame that fills my heart
All aimed at myself for refusing to fall

For the longest time I will admit
I felt a thief for every laugh and smile
Neglecting to move and afraid to love
Like you’d come back if I waited just a while

I can never truly say
All the things I feel
But I know we loved each other
And love is all that’s real

It wasn’t until I saw that truth
That you will always be near
I don’t need to miss you that much
Because I know in my bones you’re still here

So I’ll try not to feel so guilty
And live enough life for two
Wherever you’ve gone, dear sister
Please know that I go with you